From the Encyclopedia: Power Lifting

Also known as, “not a sport for pussies”  Power lifting began in 1732 as a means for straight men to see what it feels like to wear tights and pat each other on the ass while not feeling homoerotic.

The most common activity in the sport of power lifting is the squat, a lift in which a minimum of three men yell supportive phrases such as “fuck yeah,” “get that bitch,” or “let me see you push it” while another man sits while holding a large weight on his back.  All the while, another man supports his weight-bearing partner by standing directly behind him, holding him around the waist, and whispering into his ear, “butt out and back straight.” Usually these activities are done in the absence of women.  Minors are also excluded due to state and federal regulation. 

Zombified Michael Jackson heads Libyan Government

Tripoli - A zombified version of Michael Jackson appears to have taken the helm of the Libyan government.  A rambling speech given on state run TV this afternoon by the former pop icon expressed concern that the young people of Libya are being influenced by drugs that he did not provide to them.  He asked that the youth clear the streets and, "Come over to the palace for a sleep over." He asked that only rebelling youth under the age of twelve attend.  He went on to say that the international press was "ignorant" and that the love that only a hideously zombified dictator and a young boy could share was "completely natural."

For My Son on the Occasion of his 3rd Birthday

Why aren’t children allowed at the titty bar?

My son cant quite reach the g-string but he’s not too far.

And he’s learning how to count using two dollar bills,

While he learns all of his colors from the doorman with the pills.

Why aren’t children allowed at the titty bar?

Mercedes is up next on the main stage

After that Genesis dances to Metallica’s cover of “Turn the Page.”

My musical collection at home is meager,

If not at the club where will my son hear Bob Seger?

Why aren’t children allowed at the titty bar?

At the titty bar you learn life’s lessons

Like “what behind the bra?” a man should not be left guessin’

If you don’t tip well its your fault,

And for the bouncer its grounds for assault.

 Why aren’t children allowed at the titty bar?

I want my son to know that strippers are people too

Even though for twenty bucks, they’ll show you their Hoo Hoo

And they’re not dancing for tuition, no matter what they say

But if you want a handjob all you have to do is pay

Why aren’t children allowed at the titty bar?