Iron Chef

Is it strange that I find it strange that on Iron Chef, the Japanese version, not the new one, during the introductions the chairman said that the challenger had a chink in his armor? Chink is the poorly chosen operative word.

I Am Afraid of Charlie Sheen

I am afraid of Charlie Sheen, and I am not afraid to say it.  I am not afraid of him in the same way that I am afraid of Ray Lewis.  I do not think Charlie Sheen could physically harm me.  I do not think that he is inclined to do so even if able (unlike Ray Lewis).  I am afraid to party with Charlie Sheen. 

In a recent interview Charlie Sheen said "I banged 7 gram rocks and finished them." For those of you not in tune with the metric system, Charlie Sheen said that he banged 1/4 ozw rocks.  That's two eight balls.  That's a shit ton.  I am afraid to party with Charlie Sheen.

I fear Charlie Sheen like I fear Willie Nelson.  I would be afraid to smoke pot with Willy Nelson.  He would probably floor me in about 20 minutes then videotape him and his friends poking me with sticks and urinating on me while I was passed out.  Charlie would probably have nine strippers mock my penis and bank acocunt sizes during a live broadcast on CBS.  I am afraid to party with Charlie Sheen.

I have thought several times over the past few years, when seeing Charlie Sheen on TV or in the news, "I want to party with that guy."  Now I am fairly sure that I do not.  At some point you have to take a step back and say to yourself, "This is one too many (strippers/briefcases of coke/midgets/guns/Armenians) for me to party with.  I'm too old for this shit."  Charlie and Willie may not know when enough is enough - but I do.  I am afraid to party with Charlie Sheen.

From the Encyclopedia: Power Lifting

Also known as, “not a sport for pussies”  Power lifting began in 1732 as a means for straight men to see what it feels like to wear tights and pat each other on the ass while not feeling homoerotic.

The most common activity in the sport of power lifting is the squat, a lift in which a minimum of three men yell supportive phrases such as “fuck yeah,” “get that bitch,” or “let me see you push it” while another man sits while holding a large weight on his back.  All the while, another man supports his weight-bearing partner by standing directly behind him, holding him around the waist, and whispering into his ear, “butt out and back straight.” Usually these activities are done in the absence of women.  Minors are also excluded due to state and federal regulation. 

Zombified Michael Jackson heads Libyan Government

Tripoli - A zombified version of Michael Jackson appears to have taken the helm of the Libyan government.  A rambling speech given on state run TV this afternoon by the former pop icon expressed concern that the young people of Libya are being influenced by drugs that he did not provide to them.  He asked that the youth clear the streets and, "Come over to the palace for a sleep over." He asked that only rebelling youth under the age of twelve attend.  He went on to say that the international press was "ignorant" and that the love that only a hideously zombified dictator and a young boy could share was "completely natural."

For My Son on the Occasion of his 3rd Birthday

Why aren’t children allowed at the titty bar?

My son cant quite reach the g-string but he’s not too far.

And he’s learning how to count using two dollar bills,

While he learns all of his colors from the doorman with the pills.

Why aren’t children allowed at the titty bar?

Mercedes is up next on the main stage

After that Genesis dances to Metallica’s cover of “Turn the Page.”

My musical collection at home is meager,

If not at the club where will my son hear Bob Seger?

Why aren’t children allowed at the titty bar?

At the titty bar you learn life’s lessons

Like “what behind the bra?” a man should not be left guessin’

If you don’t tip well its your fault,

And for the bouncer its grounds for assault.

 Why aren’t children allowed at the titty bar?

I want my son to know that strippers are people too

Even though for twenty bucks, they’ll show you their Hoo Hoo

And they’re not dancing for tuition, no matter what they say

But if you want a handjob all you have to do is pay

Why aren’t children allowed at the titty bar?